Three Small Changes That Can Make a Big Difference to Your Relationship
I received a WhatsApp from a client
Client: Just wanted to tell you - it went surprisingly well – I think she was a bit confused!
Relationship Coach Helen: Ha! Maybe this stuff actually works …
The ‘stuff’ I am referring to here are small intentional changes in the way we behave, that give the other person the opportunity to respond differently. In doing that we can begin to break cycles that are causing a lot of unhappiness or disconnection.
I have seen time and time again how this ‘stuff’ works! And it never fails to delight me how these small shifts in behaviour can have a disproportionally large impact on the way people are able to relate to each other.
When relationships are challenged enough that people decide to get help, we will usually still need to explore deeper relational topics but the impact of these small changes gives clients agency early and critically offers clients hope.
A small glimpse into the possibility that things might be able to get better.
In sessions, the interventions will be chosen to be most relevant to the relationship dynamic but there are a few that are always worth considering.
Here are three of my favourites:
1.Soften Your Tone: Improve Communication in Your Relationship
I think if I was granted one ‘relationship coach magic wish’, it would be for some people to change their tone.
I try very hard not to be judgemental - I think that is a fundamental requirement of this job - and yet some of the tones I hear, even when they are not even directed at me, can make my nervous system feel a bit ‘twitchy’.
Our bodies can interpret harsh tones as threats, regardless of the actual words being spoken. That means that our brains prioritise self-defence over hearing the actual words being spoken. That might result in an immediate pushback response, a counter argument or emotional shutdown.
If harsh tones are used regularly, a cycle can develop where BOTH people start using harsher language which negatively impacts communication and connection.
There are some simple ways to soften tone:
- Lower the volume
- Slow the Pace
- Introduce a warmer more melodic pitch
- Taking a massive breath in before speaking
- Smile while talking (negative tone while smiling = almost impossible)
- Maintain soft eye contact
- Touch them gently while talking
If you pay attention you will probably know if you use a harsh tone by others reaction to you
If you are not sure, ask someone who will give you an honest answer
2.Stop Trash Talking: Break the Cycle of Criticism
Most relationships go through periods of rupture and many repair. It’s a cycle. And some relationships go through really hard times.
It’s important that we share these hard times with friends, family and colleagues AND also there can become a time when that sharing shifts into the ‘too much’ category.
Signals you’re at ‘too much’ point:
- The people being shared with are making more direct comments about the person or about the future e.g. they are awful or why don’t you leave?
- You are getting really bored of hearing yourself talking about it
- You partner is asking you to stop criticising them in front of other people
This behaviour is NOT serving you or your relationship well. It’s gone beyond helping you process what’s happening and will be making it harder to repair
It’s not very kind to your partner and it shows a lack of respect.
Our brains believe what we tell them, so if you spend all day telling people - and yourself - what is wrong with your partner, you are likely to become increasingly alert to any evidence - actions and behaviours that they do - that confirm this.
Go cold turkey on the criticism
That doesn’t mean pretending everything is great but it does mean making a deliberate decision to stop feeding the negative narrative and instead start noticing the positives (there are always some) - what is still good? - Are they attractive? Funny? Great at DIY or Cooking? A brilliant parent? A great listener? Give amazing gifts?
Where there are genuine positives, say them aloud … and to your partner if you can
3.Put the Crystal Ball Away: Stop Assuming You Know What Your Partner Is Thinking
After a while in long term relationships we can start to make a lot of assumptions about what our partner is thinking, feeling and how they will react. Sometimes we are right but that certainty replaces curiosity and can be quite damaging.
A few things happen with these assumptions:
- You stop checking what is really happening
I know why they did x - Your interpretation of events becomes the fact and it may not be the fact
- You react to your own story rather than their actual behaviour
If you make assumptions eg. They are annoyed with me, you start to behave in that context – defensive, withdrawn, anxious. They then respond to your behaviour - perhaps becoming defensive themselves - and suddenly you’ve created the negative situation you’d assumed in the first place (even though it might not have been there)
- Past patterns become predictions
If someone has reacted to something badly before, it is tempting to assume you know how it will go again. But people can change their mind, be in a different mood or have new information. By assuming you remove the person’s opportunity to be different. Maybe even to be closer to the person you want.
- It creates what scientists call ‘confirmation bias’
Once you have assumed something about your partner, your brain will start to notice all the things that support that and maybe overlook the things that contradict it. So you are creating an even more entrenched view of your partner over time.
- It can make the other person feel very unheard or misunderstood
There is a huge difference between ‘it seems like you are upset – can you tell me why?’ and ‘I know you are upset and I know why’ – the first invites curiosity and the second closes the door.
The shift I would encourage is:
Hold your assumption as a hypothesis and not as a fact.
There is a big difference in ‘they won’t want to come to the concert’ and ‘I know you often say no to coming to concerts but I thought I’d check - would you like to come to this one’
The second one gives the person the opportunity to surprise you.
Small changes can make surprisingly big shifts
Relationships can get stuck into some very complicated, entrenched and negative patterns. These patterns may need deeper exploration but I don’t believe you always have to understand everything before you can change something. Small shifts can have a massive impact and that can be the beginning of a very different cycle.
If you’d like help to spot your patterns and support positive change, relationship coaching offers a warm, practical and non-judgemental space to do this. Take a look at my Work With Me page to book a free 15-minute conversation. Positive shifts can happen from the very first session.
Frequently Asked Questions
What can I do if my relationship isn't going well right now?
You don't always need to solve everything at once. Sometimes changing a few everyday habits can start to shift the dynamic between you. Pay attention to your tone, notice when you're criticising rather than explaining what you need, and be careful about assuming you know what your partner is thinking or how they'll respond. These things can seem small, but changing them can make conversations feel very different.
How can I communicate better with my partner?
Start by paying attention not just to what you're saying, but to how you're saying it. A harsh tone can trigger defensiveness, criticism can reinforce negative patterns, and assuming you know what your partner is thinking can close down curiosity. Small changes in the way you communicate can create more space for both of you to respond differently.
Can small changes really improve a relationship?
Yes. Small changes won't necessarily resolve every relationship problem, particularly when there are deep or longstanding difficulties. But they can change the dynamic between two people and create an opportunity for a different response. That can be an important first step towards breaking an unhelpful cycle and creating more connection.
