Savouring: A Simple Way to Enjoy More Pleasure and Improve Intimacy (or as I like to call it … Live One Good Thing and Get Two Free!)
I worked in marketing for many years before becoming a relationship coach, and one of our favourite promotions was BOGOF – Buy One Get One Free. People loved it.
In my coaching life I have a similar favourite. I call it LOGTF – Live One (Good Thing) and Get Two Free. Yes I know it’s not quite as catchy!
Psychologists call it savouring, and it’s one of the simplest, most effective ways I know to increase joy.
I’ve used it for decades – with my children, in relationships and just for myself. It’s something I often introduce to clients because once you understand it, it’s surprisingly easy to weave into everyday life.
In this article I’ll show you how savouring can enrich your intimate life, although the same principle works just as well outside the bedroom.
The Three Buckets of Savouring
1. Positive anticipation (before)
Positive anticipation is simply enjoying something before it happens.
It gently warms your brain up to the experience. Anticipation activates dopamine, a chemical involved in motivation and reward, making us more likely to seek out something we already associate with pleasure.
Savouring works best when we’re specific.
Rather than thinking vaguely about sex, think about one small moment that you absolutely love. Something sensory. Something playful. Something naughty. Something that makes you smile. Your choose.
Let me give you a non-intimate example.
I always look forward to holidays. Rationally, I know I’ll enjoy them, but I don’t really feel excited until my anticipation becomes specific.
For me, a specific is the enormous, slightly battered old blue doors you find in Mediterranean and North African towns. I love their size, the heavy handles, the faded paint against whitewashed walls, the patterns, and wondering what’s behind them.
The moment I picture those blue doors, I can feel the joy of holiday.
So what’s your blue door when it comes to intimacy?
It might be…
the knowing look from across the room
a strap being slipped off a shoulder
looking down and seeing the top of your partner’s head as they kiss you somewhere you really enjoy
a hand slipping into your boxer shorts
the moment a kiss deepens
a playful slap on the bottom
the afterglow cuddle
that unmistakable “oh yes…” moment
There are millions of intimacy blue doors, and yours will be wonderfully personal.
The invitation is simply to imagine it. See it. Feel it. Give it a little space in your mind and enjoy anticipating it.
You can do this while walking the dog, folding the laundry or at work (the usual - not if you are operating heavy machinery caveat applies).
And if you want to savour with your partner, tell them.
“I’ve been thinking about…” (share your blue door)
That little sentence can be surprisingly powerful.
2. Appreciate (during)
The second part of savouring is noticing that the thing you anticipated is actually happening.
So many people struggle to stay present during intimacy because the mind wanders.
Did I send that email?
What’s for dinner?
Am I taking too long?
Am I doing this right?
Savouring gently brings your attention back into your body.
By remembering your own blue door, you’re actively looking for something you already know you enjoy. Instead of disappearing into your thoughts, you’re noticing.
And because your brain already associates that ‘thing’ with pleasure, it often feels even better.
It’s exactly how I feel when I finally walk past one of those blue doors.
The sunshine.
The bougainvillea.
The warmth on my skin.
The sounds of people chatting in the street.
A cold beer waiting nearby.
The freedom of nobody needing me for a little while.
That’s savouring.
If you’ve shared your blue door with your partner, something else lovely can happen.
A knowing smile.
A whispered “yes.”
A squeeze.
A thank you.
Your partner learns something about what delights you, and they’re much more likely to do it again. It’s a gentle positive feedback loop that benefits both of you.
3. Recall (after)
The final part of savouring happens afterwards.
Thinking about a lovely experience gives you a third opportunity to enjoy it.
Sex can sometimes pass in a blur. Recalling it afterwards helps create a richer, stronger memory, and positive memories make us more likely to approach intimacy with warmth rather than hesitation next time.
So revisit your blue door.
Enjoy remembering it.
And while you’re there, add to your collection.
What else did you love that you want more of and can savour next time
For me it’s:
white curtains billowing through open windows
swimming at sunset after everyone has left the beach
warm bread from a village bakery
And many more. Little moments. Big pleasures.
Your own collection of blue doors becomes richer every time you notice one.
Three moments of pleasure from one experience
Savouring helps us transition into intimacy more gently, stay present while it’s happening and hold onto the memory afterwards.
That’s three opportunities for pleasure from one experience.
It works brilliantly for sex.
It works before holidays, a quiet weekend at home, family days out, meals with friends, decorating the house, walks in nature or simply drinking your first cup of tea in the morning.
Anticipate.
Appreciate.
Recall.
Three moments of pleasure from one good experience.
If you need help
If you’d like support improving intimacy or reconnecting physically with your partner, relationship coaching offers a warm, practical and non-judgemental space to explore what’s getting in the way. Take a look at my Work With Me page to book a free 20-minute conversation.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is savouring?
Savouring is the practice of deliberately anticipating, noticing and recalling positive experiences so you enjoy them more fully.
Can savouring improve intimacy?
Many people find that savouring helps them warm up to intimacy (and avoid a cold start), to stay more present during intimacy and build more positive associations. Rather than focusing on performance or distractions, it encourages you to notice what genuinely brings you pleasure.
Can savouring improve my sex life?
It can certainly help. By anticipating moments you enjoy, being fully present while they’re happening and recalling them afterwards, you strengthen positive memories and make intimacy feel more inviting. Involving your partner creates a positive plaesure loop.
Does savouring only work for sex?
Not at all. It works just as well for holidays, friendships, food, family life, hobbies and everyday pleasures.
What is a ‘blue door’?
It’s my nickname for little things that give me joy
Named because I love the beautiful blue doors found around the Mediterranean. The moment I picture one, I just feel happy
Your blue door will almost certainly be something completely different.
And that’s exactly the point.
(Also… the colour blue is said to ward off the evil eye, keep away insects and looks gorgeous against whitewashed walls. What’s not to savour?)
