Where is the tiger? Fight, flight, freeze in relationships
We hear a lot these days about fight, flight, freeze, nervous system dysregulation, amygdala hijacks. There are also a lot of people online presenting themselves as neuroscience experts.
I’m not a neuroscientist, a doctor, or an Instagrammer.
What I can do is translate the basics into what I see in real people, and make some suggestions about how to recognise what’s happening in your body so you can make better decisions about what to do next.
A tiny bit of science (massive caveat: simplified)
Your autonomic nervous system is constantly scanning for safety and threat. When it senses threat, it shifts state to try to protect you.
For our ancestors, the threat might have been a tiger.
For us, it’s more likely to be something relational, social, or situational: conflict, rejection, an illness, grief, uncertainty, a breakup, a hostile ex, co-parenting stress, family dynamics, work pressure, or simply living in a constant state of ‘too much’.
Your body often responds to these things as if they are an actual physical danger, because to the nervous system, safety is safety.
Three common nervous system states (and what they can feel like in the body)
1) Safe
Our ancestors: I’m safe in a cave. No tiger here.
Us: calm, curious, socially engaged, playful. We can digest food. Breathing is steady. It’s easier to listen, empathise, love, be creative and solve problems.
2) Activated (fight or flight)
Our ancestors: there is a tiger nearby and it’s coming for us.
Us: we feel anxious, angry, panicky, urgent, restless, teary, wound up.
This is where the physical symptoms often make people worry they’re ‘going mad’ or ‘it’s too much’, when this is the body doing a very evolutionary job.
A few common sensations, explained in simplified terms:
Butterflies, churny tummy, nausea: digestion is not a priority when the body thinks it needs to fight or run. The system shifts energy away from digestion and toward action.
Fast, shallow breathing: the body is trying to get you ready for movement.
Heart racing, shaky limbs: the body is preparing you to do something.
Whooshing in the ears: increased arousal in the system can change how you perceive internal noise. Some people notice it more than others.
Can’t sleep, waking at 3am, light sleep:if your system is scanning for danger, rest can feel unsafe. Sleep is harder when the body thinks it needs to stay alert.
This is the state where people tend to:
demand answers now
search for solutions
send the long text at midnight
scroll, obsess, check, re-check, catastrophise
talk endlessly about the issue to real humans or AI
pick fights or try to run from them
make big decisions too fast, just to make the feeling stop
find it difficult to concentrate on ‘life’ eg. work
feel like it might never end
That last one matters. In a longer period of activation, it can genuinely feel endless. People don’t just want the problem solved. They want the awful feeling to go away.
3) Shutdown (freeze/collapse)
Our ancestors: the tiger is attacking (play dead)
Us: foggy, numb, flat, exhausted, disconnected. Sometimes quiet. Sometimes ‘I just can’t think’. Sometimes it looks like not caring, but it usually isn’t. It’s the body trying to reduce overwhelm.
This is the state where people tend to:
go silent
agree just to make it stop
stop trying to solve
feel detached from their own feelings
sleep/go to bed
feel like they’re watching life rather than living it
An important truth: a disregulated nervous can last for a long time
Sometimes we talk about nervous system regulation as if it’s a quick fix. Sometimes it is.
But if the stressor is ongoing, or if there’s been a major rupture, grief, trauma, chronic conflict, legal battles, financial pressure, or sustained uncertainty, it’s completely normal for the nervous system to stay activated or shut down for a long time. Weeks. Sometimes longer.
That is not a personal failure. It’s a system that hasn’t had enough safety signals to come back down yet.
Important: The ideas in this article are intended to support general wellbeing and help you better understand your nervous system. They are educational in nature and are not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. If your symptoms are severe, persistent, or stopping you from living your life, please speak to your GP or a qualified mental health professional. If you’re experiencing thoughts of suicide or feel you cannot keep yourself safe, seek immediate help by contacting your GP, calling 999, attending your nearest A&E department, or contacting Samaritans on 116 123. You do not have to cope with this alone.
What to do (practical, not perfect)
1) Notice the state
Safe, activated, shutdown. Even naming it privately helps you rationalise and understand the state you are in and why you might be experiencing those feelings and symptoms
2) Find your actual tiger
Explore the threat that your body thinks it’s dealing with? Name the associated emotions - as naming your emotions can take a considerable amount of their power away.
Is it the argument, or is it the fear underneath it: being abandoned, being controlled, being judged, losing access to your children, being made the villain, financial pressures, not being chosen, not being safe?
3) Don’t try to solve high-stakes relational (or other) problems from an unsafe state
When we’re dysregulated, empathy and problem-solving are impaired. This is where people say ‘we talked for hours and it got worse’
If your dysregulation involves another person, use simple sentences to exit from the situation until your nervous system calms .
‘I want to talk about this. I’m just too activated right now. Can we come back to it at 7?’
‘I can feel myself shutting down. I’m not ignoring you. I need a pause so I can come back properly’
Time itself may not be enough to create a calmer state - it’s advised to use some of the calming techniques on purpose and try not to think about or play back the issues/conversations until in a safe state
4) Create moments of calm, on purpose
If regulation doesn’t happen quickly, build regulation in as a practice rather than just a rescue tool.
Things that often help:
Exercise: not as punishment - it doesn’t have to be brutal. A brisk walk, a run, strength training, swimming. Movement tells the body ‘I can complete the stress cycle’ (I got away from the tiger - I’m OK now)
Dance wildly: put one absolute banger on and let your body do whatever it wants. It sounds silly until you do it. It’s one of the quickest ways to shift stuck energy
Go outside: notice the temperature, notice the birds singing, notice the plants and flowers, notice the ripples on the pond, feel the rain/cold/wind/sun on your skin. Really notice.
Breath and downshift: longer exhale than inhale, box breathing, slower breathing, tapping, grounding, cold water on the face, planting feet firmly on the floor or lie on the floor. Intanet search for techniques that work for you. Or use an app like Calm.
Connection that feels safe: one supportive friend or family member, a calm voice note, sitting near someone who doesn’t escalate you, a hug
Journaling: blurt all your feelings down on paper (nothing is right or wrong) to get them out. Or ask yourself some prompt questions - my 3 favourite questions: what am I grateful for today? what felt challenging or dysregulated me today? what went well today? This starts to provide good information for positive change. There are many books with printed prompts and numerous way to do this, so maybe try a few.
Reduce fuel on the fire where you can: less alcohol, no drugs, less doom-scrolling, less late-night conflict, less talking to everyone who will listen about it
Foward projecting: asking yourself if this thing that is disregulating you now, will still matter/still be important in 4 weeks, 6 months, a year - and if the answer is ‘no/not really’ then try to be less attached to the situation/outcome.
A slightly woo-woo one (that I genuinely love): say out loud, ‘thank you body for trying to protect me from the tiger’, then tell it: ‘I’ve got this now - we can move into the safe state’
The above ideas might sound basic - especially when you feel very disregulated - but they are well proven - and can reduce the internal battle. Our nervous system isn’t the enemy. It’s doing its job. The ideas above feed it different data, so it can shift.
The goal is not constant calm. The goal is enough calm that you can think, choose, and act in line with your values.
5) Address the situation creating the dysregulation
Once you feel safe more of the time you can decide what needs to change: a boundary, a conversation, a plan, support, a decision, or a different way of engaging with the person or situation. The moments of calm activities get you to a place from which you can make ‘next step’ decisions.
When support helps
If your relationship, ex-dynamic, or family situation repeatedly pulls you into activation or shutdown, support can help you identify the real tiger (if you don’t know it) change the pattern, and build a steadier base. Coaching can often create the difference between ‘I keep reacting’ and ‘I can choose my next move’, which means you get more control back.
In a relationship, if you don’t want months of talking before you know what matters, the Relationship Clarity Report can be a good next step. It gives you a clear map of the pattern you’re in and a practical plan for what to do next.
You can see all the options on my ‘Work with me page’ and book a free 15 meeting intro call before you make any decisions.
